I hope this gives someone hope and strength and the comfort they need to get through any trial they are having, especially the scares and trials that come from having a premature baby.
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February 2005 – June 2005
On February 22, 2005 I found out I was pregnant! I had gone home for the weekend and just wasn’t feeling right. I had felt like I had the flu during the past week at work and I was always hungry. I knew something was different. So, I took a couple pregnancy tests and they both said I was pregnant. We kept it a secret for a week or two but couldn’t wait any longer to share our news.
Then, life became very difficult. I’ve never been so sick in my life. It first started in the evening. I would come home from work and start throwing up around 6 PM. It would last all night long. I would throw up every 15-20 minutes. Then, it worsened and I would throw up all morning. It got to the point where I couldn’t get to work until 1 PM and I only stayed until 5 PM. Nothing seemed to work. I tried Coke, Ginger Ale, Lemonade, lemon drops, go-gurts, crackers, Popsicles. Everything that I tried, I would throw up. It was a terrible experience! Not only was I throwing up, but any movement, sound or smell would cause me to get sick. So, I slept on the floor and had to have the room pitch black, with no sounds. Jason had to quietly get up in the morning and shut the bedroom door and shower in the other bathroom. The sound of the shower and the smell of the soap would cause me to start throwing up. The longer I could prolong the throwing up each morning the better. There were many days where I was extremely sick all day long. I couldn’t keep anything down. Everyday I pleaded with my Heavenly Father to help me get through it. I was very blessed with comfort. Although he didn’t take the throwing up away, I was comforted and a lot of the pain was lessened. There were a couple of times where I threw up for 24-28 hours straight. I tried all the different pills and remedies that everyone suggested…nothing worked. I just had to be patient.I was very scared that our baby was not going to be healthy. How could the baby get the nutrients it needed when I wasn’t able to eat anything. At the end of April, Jason and I were able to go to Vegas and San Diego for a SUU recruiting trip. I still threw up every morning and we had to take food in the car. But, we still had a good time together. Along with driving around San Diego we spent a day at Sea World and that was a lot of fun. I spent March, April & May sleeping on the floor and throwing up each night, through the night and each morning. Then, it got a little better at the beginning of June. I was able to sleep in our bed again. However, each morning I’d wake up and throw up and then I had to eat cereal before I could get out of bed. I was very lucky to have a employer who understood.
June 2005 – At the end of June I was responsible for The Governor’s Honors Academy [GHA]. I was a little worried about my health, but I was able to keep up and all the students had a wonderful time. Before GHA started I had stopped throwing up but I think the stress and lack of sleep caused me to start throwing up again each morning.
July 2005 – On the first of July we went and had an ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby. However, the baby would not move its legs so we went home disappointed and didn’t find out. We spent the 4th of July with my family. We enjoyed the Stadium of Fire and we also slept out for the Provo 4th of July parade. Then, the next weekend I went home again for the Family Reunion. My mom decided to take me to Fetal Fotos to find out what we were having. We found out it was a GIRL!!! I was so excited. The shopping began!
During GHA my feet started to swell and it worried me. However, after GHA was over the swelling went down. Then, on the weekend of July 9th our family reunion, I started swelling again. I caught a very bad cold and cough. I couldn’t go a couple of hours without taking a nap; I had lost all my energy. I was exhausted and didn’t feel good. On July 29th I decided to go over to Laurie’s office [my doctor] and have her check my blood pressure. When I got to her office they checked my blood pressure and it was 150 / 90. They had me lay down for 15 minutes and then they checked it again. It was 145 / 85. Laurie came and talked to me and had me go down to Labor and Delivery to be monitored. They monitored me for the next 4 hours. After 4 hours Laurie came in and told me that from the blood results, urine results and my blood pressures that I needed to be life flighted to the U of U Hospital. I began to cry. I was very scared for our baby and my health. I didn’t know if I was going to make it. Then, after she spoke to the U of U and to a Perinatologist they decided that we could go by car. I had a blessing before we left and I knew that I was not coming back home to Cedar until I delivered our little girl. My parents met us at the hospital and I was monitored for a couple of hours. Then, I was sent home for the weekend to have a 24-hour urine test. We went to Grandma’s house and stayed until Sunday. Again, Sunday morning I was monitored. They decided that I needed to be on strick bed rest and that I would start going to the high risk clinic at the U of U every week. So, I moved in with my parents. We made a little room for me downstairs. I was always so hot, so it was nice to be in the basement. Jason came up each weekend to visit. The following Tuesday I had several tests to try and eliminate what was happening to my body. We also had a detailed ultrasound.
It was very calming to find out that everything was developed on our little girl. We also saw that she had a lot of hair. She was only about 2 lbs. 6 oz. The goal was to get me to 35 weeks…I was only at week 29 ½. I didn’t know how I was going to make it that long. My body just didn’t feel good. I could tell that my heart was working extra hard and I was in a lot of pain. I prayed everyday for strength and help from my Heavenly Father. He carried me along the way. I also prayed and let him know that if I needed to leave this life so this little girl could make it I would. It was made very clear to me that, that was not going to happen. I also let him know that if I needed to care for a child with special needs that I could do it. It was very clear to me that she was coming early and we were both going to be okay.
August 2005 – On August 16th I went to my weekly check up and we had asked Dr. Warren how high my blood pressure could be before I needed to come to the hospital. She told me if it was ever above 160 / 90 and I was home in bed, that I needed to come straight to the hospital. On August 17th I spent all day in bed by myself. I just slept. I did not feel good at all. I knew that the time was coming near. I prayed all day to have Heavenly Father help me and keep me alive. That night my Dad came home and watched TV with me. We took my blood pressure and it was 161/86. He told me that my Mom was going to take me to the hospital in Heber in the morning to check it and make sure it was correct. Then, that night at 11 PM I was feeling terrible. I had horrible chest pain and could not breathe. I took my blood pressure and it was 186/ 90. I was out of breath just from sitting up in bed. I knew that I couldn’t get to my parents all the way upstairs, so I sat up in bed all night and tried to keep myself awake. I was so frightened that if I fell asleep I would stop breathing. It was quite a chore to keep breathing and very painful. I knew if I could make it until 7 or 8 AM that my Mom would come down and check on me.
That morning I told her what my blood pressure was. I also started throwing up so she went and called my doctor. They told her to bring me immediately. I knew that I was not going to come home before I delivered, so I asked my sister to pack me a bag full of clothes and all the necessary things I need. I called Jason and told him he needed to come right away. When we got to the U of U they admitted me to the hospital and started monitoring me every 15 minutes. They started an IV with magnesium sulfate which would calm my muscles and keep my body from seizing and going into cardiac arrest. Then, I also had a steroid shot and we started another 24 urine test. I refused to have a catheter, so Jason had to help me each time I needed to go to the bathroom. The magnesium sulfate could cause me to pass out, so they were quite concerned about me getting up and down. It also caused me to have very hot flashes. Friday my urine test came back and from the previous Tuesday the protein had gone from 300 to 1500. They decided that they were going to give me 1 more shot of steroids and then Saturday morning they were going to induce labor.
That day we were able to tour the Newborn ICU and they talked to us about the procedures and things that possibly might happen and the needs that our baby would have. Saturday at 10 AM they induced labor. I went through some minor contractions; they became bothersome by the end of the night. By 10 PM they started Morphine. I was able to sleep through the night. Then, at 7 AM I woke up and felt very sick. At first I thought I was just going to throw up so I rang for the nurse to bring me some juice…thinking it was just morning sickness. Then, within a couple of minutes it worsened. I was in a lot of severe pain, I couldn’t breathe and I felt like I was going to throw up. My Mom walked in the room at that point and I told her how I was feeling and asked her to get me some juice. Then, within seconds it got even worse. I couldn’t breathe at all and I thought I was going to lose consciousness. At that point, my nurse came in and within seconds there were several doctors rushing in and out and they had put an oxygen mask on me. The baby’s heart rate had dropped so they rushed me out of the room and started an emergency C-section. I was quite out of it so I didn’t really mind what they did to me. I do remember that I asked a nurse named Heather to hold my hand and talk to me because I felt like I wasn’t going to make it. They gave me a spinal, started the catheter and prepared me for surgery. I remember feeling 3 shocks go through my body, but I don’t remember any other pain. Dr. Brandon Dial [anesthesiologist] stayed by my head and talked to me until Jason was there. They needed to keep we awake and alert. I don’t remember a lot. I do remember hearing our little angel cry and that made me feel very good. I knew that was a good sign. She was delivered weighing 2 lbs. 13 oz. and was 16 inches long. Once she was born it felt like it took them forever to close me back up. I felt a lot of pressure and tugging and pulling. It wasn’t painful, just bothersome. I don’t remember much. By the time I was all stitched up and wheeled back to my room. My dad had arrived. I don’t remember a lot that day. I do know that I asked Jason and my Dad to give our baby girl a blessing. I just remember trying not to think much. I was so worried, but I tried not to get too emotional and tried not to get too attached to my baby that I hadn’t seen or touched. I was so afraid of losing her.
Dr. Tilley and another doctor came in and talked to me and my Mom; I don’t remember the conversation, but my Mom told me a couple days later that they had told me that my placenta had abrupted and that since I wasn’t that big they had to cut through a lot more muscle and I’d always have to have a C-section. That night around 10 PM my nurse wheeled me down in my bed to see my baby. I couldn’t really see anything, but I could see that she had lots of hair and was very tiny. She was on a ventilator, but everyone told me she was doing so well. That night I was able sleep some. The nurses still came in every 15-20 minutes to check my blood pressure and vitals. Then, at 5 AM we were switched to the maternity recovery ward. All I wanted to do was rest and sleep, but I had doctors and nurses come in and out. My IV had gone bad at this point and so they tried to restart another IV. Since I was SO, SO, SO swollen and retaining so much water they had the airmed team come and restart the IV.
Monday, August 22, I don’t remember a lot. I do know that I slept a lot of the day and I tried to get up but I was very very sore. At first I wanted the catheter out because it kind of bothered me, but once I tried getting up I decided that I’d keep it in a little longer.
Tuesday, August 23, I remember that my nurse came in during the night of course to check my vitals and when she came in for one of the routine checks she kept talking to me very loud and telling me to take deep breaths. I remember being soaking wet in sweat and kind of out of it. Then, a second nurse came in and told me if I didn’t start breathing better she was going to put oxygen on me. I kept trying but I don’t know why it wasn’t working. So, at that point they put oxygen on me. That morning they took me off of the magnesium and decided to have a CAT scan to check my lungs since I couldn’t breathe and my chest hurt. I had to get another IV in a main artery. This experience was horrible. They had the IV team come since they had the most experience and since I was so swollen. They kept trying but the needle wouldn’t thread into the vein. Each time they tried they said the vein would collapse. They even had an ultra sound machine to watch and make sure they were hitting a vein. After several tries and about an hour later they finally had a good IV in and I was taken down for the CAT scan. The actual CAT scan wasn’t that bad, but going down there in the wheel chair and lying down on the machine was quite painful. When I got back later that afternoon my nurse took out my catheter. This didn’t hurt at all. But, now I had to get up and go to the bathroom every hour or more. They threatened that if I didn’t keep flushing my body that they’d insert another catheter. My CAT scan came back fine. They had found that my lungs collapsed during the surgery which is very common. They were filling up with fluid and that was making it hard for me to breathe. I had to take deep breaths and do some exercises with a breathing machine to keep my lungs opened and clean. Jason left this day also. He helped a lot, but I knew this experience was hard for him too and he needed a break. My Mom stayed with me the rest of the week.
August 24th I started feeling much better. I got up and walked slowly down a little bit of the hallway. I didn’t get very far, but it was a start. I also got to go visit our baby girl and I got to hold her! She was so beautiful! She was so dainty and such a sweet little baby. She was so precious. I only got to hold her for a couple of minutes, but I loved it. She was so small and fragile. At this point she was off the ventilator and the C-pap and was now on a nasal canula.
August 25th I finally got my oxygen off. I felt even better this day. I got into the shower and my Mom and my nurse helped me wash my hair. It hurt really bad to take the shower and I felt light headed, but afterwards it felt so much better to have clean hair. I started getting massive headaches with a very stiff neck. It was very very painful. I didn’t even want to move my head at all. I was told it was because of all the air that was in my body from being opened up. They said it was very common side effect to having surgery and as the air passed through me the headaches would go away.
August 26th I was discharged around Noon. My Mom and I went and stayed at my Grandma’s house. I decided that I wasn’t ready to go up and down stairs so I wanted to stay at my Grandma’s for awhile. Also, I would be able to see our baby more and it would be easier. At this point I was pumping and getting quite a bit of milk. She was getting 2 ml. for each feeding. Which was not a lot at all, but at least her stomach was tolerating it. She was progressing each day. When I was discharged from the hospital my blood pressure was still high and I was on medication for my blood pressure and my heart. Also, I was still taking the pain medication. I think all of this together didn’t make me feel so good and I was very tired.
For the next couple of months I went to the hospital every night. One nurse at the beginning gave me a hint and told me that if I was there when they did her nightly cares they would be changing her bed sheets and blankets and I’d get to hold her if I was there. So, I made sure that every night I was there by 8 PM. At first I only got to hold her for 10 minutes then a little longer as she got bigger. The biggest worry was that she’d lose all her heat. If that happened then she’d lose calories. So, it was very important to keep her warm and not stimulate her too much. However, it was also very important that she started to recognize my smell, touch and voice. At 3 weeks old we started doing skin to skin care or kangaroo care. Then, we started with non-nutritive sucking to teach her how to nurse. Basically, she got to latch on and suck but she wouldn’t get any milk from me, we’d hook up her milk through her tube. So, as her tummy got full she associate that with sucking.
Then, we had a set back. She had blood in her stool, so she was put on an antibiotic and then, they found a small hole in her heart and PDA. A PDA is when one of the valves on the heart doesn’t close. Her heart was getting enlarged and so she was taken off her milk and was receiving antibiotics through an IV and also fluids and electrolytes through another IV. This was a very scary and hard time for me. I was very worried that I was going to lose our baby. I was very attached and loved her so much. I wanted to stay at her bedside every second, but knew that I couldn’t. I still went every night and made sure that the nurse let me hold her even if it was just for a second. After 1 ½ weeks she was taken off the medication and we started her feedings again. The PDA was still there, but was very small. So we hoped and prayed that it would close on its own. As the days and weeks went on she continued to progress and we increased the amount of times I would get to nurse. At first she would get very distracted and would only stay latched on for 5-10 minutes, but soon she got better and she’d stay on for 15-20 minutes. During all of this, we also packed up and moved into my parents’ rental home. It was a hard move and I missed Cedar very much, but I knew it was better in the long run. I wanted to be closer to our baby, to the U of U Hospital and to my family. I needed the help and support and I knew that I’d need help when our baby came home. I also knew that the chance of this happening again was high and it would be easier to be close to the U of U Hospital the next time I was pregnant.
Our baby was moved out of the isolette and into an open crib at the end of September. I got to hold her as much as I wanted. For the next month I would wake up and be at the hospital for her 8 AM feeding then I’d go home and clean and unpack and go back for the 8 PM feeding. Then, it increased to 3 times a day so I’d leave at 6:30 AM and stay until 1 or 2 and then go back at 8 PM. Then, it started getting costly and tiring so I’d stay all day and take a nap in the 4 runner in the parking garage. I’d park down on the lowest level where it was quiet, dark and not a lot of people around.
During all of this I got a cold and was worried I’d give it to our baby so it was very important to me to sleep and take a nap everyday. When Jason was there with me we’d go to the Sugar House park or another park and rest and take a nap. This was a very trying and hard time. But, it was so important to me to be with our baby as much as I could and take care of her. When I was there all day, the nurses would let me change all of her diapers and take her temperature and do her nightly cares. We bathed her at the hospital once a week and learned how to give her a bottle. I learned so much about what her oxygen level needed to be at, where her heart rate needed to be and what to do about her choking, apnea and bradycardia spells. I was very scared to bring her home, but I was so ready too. We stayed overnight with her October 15th. It was good to see that I could care for her, but very tiring. Our little girl was released on October 19th around 10 AM. She came home with a few worries: need for oxygen, blood cell levels – she was anemic, her PDA and her hole in her heart. She was on oxygen going home and we did have a monitor.
Now, it is December 3rd and she is doing better and better each day. When we got her home at first she did have a few scary apnea and bradycardia spells. It was very scary for me, but now she rarely drops below the safe levels. She still needs oxygen, but she is usually at 1/32 of a liter and when she is awake she does very well without it. She weighs 9 lbs. and is 20 inches long! She is SO much fun to have and I love her so much. She loves to be held ALL the time! At night we sleep on the couch together so that she can sleep on my chest. If I do this with her then her alarms rarely go off and she sleeps most of the night and just wakes up to eat. She eats every 2 hours. At first when we brought her home we had to give her fortified bottles with formula in them. She’d get to breastfeed 4 times and then the rest were bottles with 1 ½ tsp. of formula to my breast milk that I pumped. Now, she is strictly on breast milk and she is doing so well. She still eats every 2 hours and sleeps most of the day. She does smile and respond to us now and she said “goo” for the first time on December 1st.
This has been hard, scary and very trying for me. There were so many times where I thought I wasn’t going to make it, but Heavenly Father was with me each step of the way. Then, once I had her and my body was healing I was so afraid for her health, but I was confident that she’d be okay. Heavenly Father comforted me and let me know that things were going to be fine. This was the hardest trial I’ve gone through, but also the best blessing and miracle I’ve had in my life. I LOVE staying home and being a Mom. She is such a joy and so precious. I hope and pray that I can nurture, love and teach her everything she needs to know.
It is Christmas time and we are going to stay home this year. We are in “isolation” until the RSV season is over. Since, our little girl was on a ventilator and her lungs are still maturing it is important that we don’t have her around people. If we can get through the RSV season with her not getting sick I will be so thankful and I’ll feel like we’ve conquered this speed bump in our lives.
1 comment:
Oh. Wow. Reading that all in one sitting is very emotional. I had no idea you had been braving such trials in your life. What a blessing and a witness of Heavenly Father's loving care! Thank you, my friend, thank you for sharing such a deep and personal experience.
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